Offensive much?
Happy 9/11 Cards
No, seriously, who would send a "Happy" 9/11 card? Is this meant for ironic hipsters or jingoistic right-wingers? Either way, I think it fails.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Another Dear John Letter
Dear John
Please don't endorse Obama until after Super Tuesday. Because, otherwise, it will make Hillary cry, and then she'll win every state.
Yours,
Let's Get Paul
Please don't endorse Obama until after Super Tuesday. Because, otherwise, it will make Hillary cry, and then she'll win every state.
Yours,
Let's Get Paul
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
A Dear John Letter
Dear John,
How much is she paying you? No, seriously.
Whatever it is, we'll double it. Me and my haphazard posse, that's who.
How did I know? Come on, John, there's no other possible reason you're still in the race. You know that I know that you know you won't win the nomination.
Your backdoor philandering (no that isn't a gay joke) has gone too far for a Vice Presidential candidate. (Besides, we all know what your being attached to a ticket does to a campaign.) But if you get out now and endorse you-know-who-you-should, maybe we can swing Secretary of State or Labor or something.
We'll put in a good word for you.
Yours,
Let's Get Paul
How much is she paying you? No, seriously.
Whatever it is, we'll double it. Me and my haphazard posse, that's who.
How did I know? Come on, John, there's no other possible reason you're still in the race. You know that I know that you know you won't win the nomination.
Your backdoor philandering (no that isn't a gay joke) has gone too far for a Vice Presidential candidate. (Besides, we all know what your being attached to a ticket does to a campaign.) But if you get out now and endorse you-know-who-you-should, maybe we can swing Secretary of State or Labor or something.
We'll put in a good word for you.
Yours,
Let's Get Paul
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
I broke up with Obama
Dear Barack,
I liked you. I really did.
Then you fell in with the wrong crowd. You know who I'm talking about. That Donnie McClurkin fellow, a gospel singer who believes Jesus delivered him from homosexuality. I know he has a Grammy, and it's easy to get wrapped up in these things, but you didn't believe him, did you? Then why did you invite him to perform at one of your fundraisers? I assumed it was a phase and eventually you'd come out of it.
We all make mistakes, honey. I just wanted to hear you say you're sorry. (Really, I wanted you to fire a staffer, but a dozen roses or a box of chocolates would have been fine.) But then The Advocate told me what you'd told them:
And I fell for you all over again. It wasn't sorry, but I knew what you meant, in that special language that the two of us share.
And you made a new friend! Reverend Andy Sidden, a gay preacher! I like him. He's nice. I thought you might be coming around.
But what happened, Rocky? Why did you let Donnie say all those mean things at your recital? Why didn't you let Andy say anything more than a short prayer? Why did your aides hand out memos with the following statement:
I understand that you don't agree with McClurkin about everything. And I understand that politics is all about compromise, but why the all-caps? Everything else I can accept, but when you let lolcatz proofread your press releases, I don't think you can manage a successful campaign, much less a country.
It's over.
Yours,
Let's Get Paul
I liked you. I really did.
Then you fell in with the wrong crowd. You know who I'm talking about. That Donnie McClurkin fellow, a gospel singer who believes Jesus delivered him from homosexuality. I know he has a Grammy, and it's easy to get wrapped up in these things, but you didn't believe him, did you? Then why did you invite him to perform at one of your fundraisers? I assumed it was a phase and eventually you'd come out of it.
We all make mistakes, honey. I just wanted to hear you say you're sorry. (Really, I wanted you to fire a staffer, but a dozen roses or a box of chocolates would have been fine.) But then The Advocate told me what you'd told them:
One of the things that always comes up in presidential campaigns is, if you’ve got multiple supporters all over the place, should the candidate then be held responsible for the every single view of every one of his supporters? And obviously that’s not possible. And if I start playing that game, then it will be very difficult for me to do what I think I can do best, which is bring the country together.
And I fell for you all over again. It wasn't sorry, but I knew what you meant, in that special language that the two of us share.
And you made a new friend! Reverend Andy Sidden, a gay preacher! I like him. He's nice. I thought you might be coming around.
But what happened, Rocky? Why did you let Donnie say all those mean things at your recital? Why didn't you let Andy say anything more than a short prayer? Why did your aides hand out memos with the following statement:
MCCLURKIN DOES NOT WANT TO CHANGE GAYS AND LESBIANS WHO ARE HAPPY WITH THEIR LIVES AND HAS CRITICIZED CHURCH LEADERS WHO DEMONIZE HOMOSEXUALS
I understand that you don't agree with McClurkin about everything. And I understand that politics is all about compromise, but why the all-caps? Everything else I can accept, but when you let lolcatz proofread your press releases, I don't think you can manage a successful campaign, much less a country.
It's over.
Yours,
Let's Get Paul
Friday, October 5, 2007
Um, What?
I rarely mock the Log Cabin Republicans for two reasons:
Case in point, check out their latest national ad:
I don't even know where to begin with this ad. First, didn't we already know this? Anyone who has a passing familiarity with Romney knows his liberal record as governor of Massachusetts. Why advertise old news?
Second, are the Log Cabin Republicans anti-abortion? I had no idea. (The "gun lobby" line threw me too, but I suppose I should know better.) Since the Log Cabin Republicans represent a constituency that, for the most part, won't take advantage of legal abortions, is it fair or right or moral for them to weigh in on the issue? More to the point, I always thought the Republican platform on abortion pandered to its religious base, and the libertarian wing of the party (in which I thought the LCR belonged) would respect individual liberty on the issue.
And, finally, um, why? What I've always admired about Log Cabin Republicans is that part of their mission--even their very existence--works to make the Republican Party more inclusive. Indeed, if the Republican party ever becomes more reasonable on gay issues, we'll owe the Log Cabin thanks. So why take pot shots at Romney, and in doing so, alienate his supporters from the Log Cabin? Why make an ad that doesn't mention gay issues at all? Rather than elevate the discourse on gay issues, this ad pushes the Log Cabin further to the margins. No candidate will want to be associated with such a negative (yet entirely ineffective) ad.
- It's not a contradiction to be gay and be against the welfare state.
- It's too easy.
Case in point, check out their latest national ad:
I don't even know where to begin with this ad. First, didn't we already know this? Anyone who has a passing familiarity with Romney knows his liberal record as governor of Massachusetts. Why advertise old news?
Second, are the Log Cabin Republicans anti-abortion? I had no idea. (The "gun lobby" line threw me too, but I suppose I should know better.) Since the Log Cabin Republicans represent a constituency that, for the most part, won't take advantage of legal abortions, is it fair or right or moral for them to weigh in on the issue? More to the point, I always thought the Republican platform on abortion pandered to its religious base, and the libertarian wing of the party (in which I thought the LCR belonged) would respect individual liberty on the issue.
And, finally, um, why? What I've always admired about Log Cabin Republicans is that part of their mission--even their very existence--works to make the Republican Party more inclusive. Indeed, if the Republican party ever becomes more reasonable on gay issues, we'll owe the Log Cabin thanks. So why take pot shots at Romney, and in doing so, alienate his supporters from the Log Cabin? Why make an ad that doesn't mention gay issues at all? Rather than elevate the discourse on gay issues, this ad pushes the Log Cabin further to the margins. No candidate will want to be associated with such a negative (yet entirely ineffective) ad.
Monday, October 1, 2007
Screw Paul! Nominate Giuliani!
Salon and The New York Times have articles claiming that conservative Christians are secretly plotting to support an anti-abortion third-party candidate if Giuliani gets the Republican nomination.
Wow. This would be even more promising than a Bloomberg campaign. Could someone out there on the interwebz please--pretty please--infiltrate these meetings and keep me posted? I'd gladly endorse Giuliani if I were promised a viable third-party candidate. Without one, I have the sinking feeling that Giuliani's just crafty enough to steal himself a presidency.
Wow. This would be even more promising than a Bloomberg campaign. Could someone out there on the interwebz please--pretty please--infiltrate these meetings and keep me posted? I'd gladly endorse Giuliani if I were promised a viable third-party candidate. Without one, I have the sinking feeling that Giuliani's just crafty enough to steal himself a presidency.
Pussy
It's a cliche, but it's true: this is a race for the Democratic Party to lose. And if there's anyone I trust to lose an election, it's the Democrats.
Here's another way they could do that: nominate Al Gore.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, he won the popular vote in 2000. He may (or may not) have won the electoral college vote. But he lost the election.
Why? Not because of the Supreme Court or Ralph Nader or black box voting machines or whatever other boogeyman conspiracy you'd like to dream up. (Although, sure, those probably helped.) He lost the election because he's fucking Al Gore.
Why the hell did he nominate Joseph Lieberman as his running mate? Why didn't he invite Bill along on the campaign trail? (Note to Gore's strategists circa 2000: Bill still draws bigger crowds than his wife does.) Until someone can give me an answer to these questions that doesn't amount to, "Gore is a pussy who let the media bully him," I'm going to continue calling him precisely that.
How can you be the Vice President to one of the most popular and loved presidents in recent memory and still lose to an Andover frat boy? Only Al Gore can work magic like that.
He made a decent Powerpoint presentation, but I hate to break it to ya, Al: Have you been reading the news lately?--Global Warming is the least of our political concerns.
And finally, is the Democratic party so devoid of talent that we haven't found anyone more qualified in the last eight years than Gore?
Here's another way they could do that: nominate Al Gore.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, he won the popular vote in 2000. He may (or may not) have won the electoral college vote. But he lost the election.
Why? Not because of the Supreme Court or Ralph Nader or black box voting machines or whatever other boogeyman conspiracy you'd like to dream up. (Although, sure, those probably helped.) He lost the election because he's fucking Al Gore.
Why the hell did he nominate Joseph Lieberman as his running mate? Why didn't he invite Bill along on the campaign trail? (Note to Gore's strategists circa 2000: Bill still draws bigger crowds than his wife does.) Until someone can give me an answer to these questions that doesn't amount to, "Gore is a pussy who let the media bully him," I'm going to continue calling him precisely that.
How can you be the Vice President to one of the most popular and loved presidents in recent memory and still lose to an Andover frat boy? Only Al Gore can work magic like that.
He made a decent Powerpoint presentation, but I hate to break it to ya, Al: Have you been reading the news lately?--Global Warming is the least of our political concerns.
And finally, is the Democratic party so devoid of talent that we haven't found anyone more qualified in the last eight years than Gore?
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