President of 9/11

Matt Taibbi's piece on Giuliani in Rolling Stone is dazzling. If Dracula gets elected, we're fucked.

Al Queda made heroes out of lame duck Republicans.

Oh, and I'm totally stealing that headline from my primary source of news: The Onion.

Thank God, an actor!

A Fred Thompson candidacy will be formidable indeed. You know who I blame for this? Al Gore. If he hadn't given up his Senate seat, we never would have known Fred Thompson the Politician.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, vice presidency, whatever...

Rebranding Iraq

I recently learned of Conrad Crane's Reconstructing Iraq. (I know I'm late on this. You can blame the fact that everything I know about, well, anything I learn from This American Life.)

Aside from all the dead horse discussion about how prophetic he was, how rebuilding the country would be more difficult than winning, blah, blah--it gave me the idea for a new catchphrase:

We won the Iraq War, but we lost the peace.

Because Americans don't like to lose wars. Military Moms and Dads don't like to hear that their sons died in vain. Jesus, even I cringed when Harry Reid said that the war was lost--don't you have strategists to tell you that?? We knew Bush's Mission Accomplished speech was a lie, but we reelected him anyway. Besides, if the real crime was merely a hokey publicity stunt, then every politician is guilty.

So here's what a savvy Democrat should tell us: we did win, we toppled Saddam, we created a new government. Sure, Iraq is still a bloodbath, perhaps worse than under Saddam, but that's not because we're losing a war. It's because we're engaged in a futile mission of nation-building. (Ooh, icky, unpopular, nation-building. Yuck.)

It also provides cover against lame "support the troops" attacks. See! We support the troops! We won the war! The failure in Iraq has nothing to do with hard-working American soldiers but the failure of statecraft.

By the time you're reading this, the phrase "We won the Iraq War, but we lost the peace" has been copyrighted. Democratic contenders, it can be yours for $50 per use. Republicans with brass balls must pay $100 per use--except you, Ron Paul, it's yours for the taking.

Look it up in your gut

Ron Paul walked into a National Press Club junket with three books? Jesus, this man gets more unelectable by the second! A President doesn't need to read books!

CIA Operative Michael Scheuer alarms me:

"Ayatollah Khomenai tried for a decade to instigate a jihad against the United States on the basis of our degeneracy and our debauchery, our movies, our women in the workplace. It didn't work. No one blew themselves up because of R-rated movies. Al Qaeda and its like have gone to school on the abject failure of the Ayatollah. They have focused on U.S. foreign policy and they've found it to be a glue of unity, a glue of cohesion across the Islamic world."

Oh dear. Ron, please don't repeat these talking points. Here's the deal: the people in this country who actually believe the Islamists hate us for "our degeneracy and debauchery" also hate our degeneracy and debauchery, our Hollywood values, our homosexual agenda, etc. Unfortunately, these are also the people who will decide the Republican nominee.

Actually, strike that. Ron, don't repeat these talking points until after the primaries. At that point, feel free to alienate your base as much as you like. If we can get the war nuts and the family values nuts to stay home on Election Day, we'll be in good shape.

Have you reconsidered your position on abortion, by any chance?

Ron Paul is Ronald Reagan is Ron Paul

I saw this cartoon on Salon. This Modern World nailed it.

Any thoughts on how we can convince Ron Paul to wear a Reagan mask for public appearances?

He should take a cue from (our inspiration) Sanjaya who's pretending to be someone else these days too...

An Open Letter to the Mayor

Dear Mayor Bloomberg,

Please run for President! I know your detractors don't think you have a hope of winning, and I know that you've said you aren't running, but c'mon, that billion dollars you set aside just in case must be burning a hole in your pocket. I have no idea where you stand on Iraq, health care, education, iTunes reform, mandatory gargling or any other issue--but I think your third party voice would be a valuable contribution to the national debate.

Oh, and if you siphon enough electoral college votes to prevent any candidate getting the necessary majority, then the Democratic-controlled House of Representatives would get to decide.

Pretty please?

Yours,
Let's Get Paul

Ron Paul blames Dick Cheney for 9/11

Now, I blame Dick Cheney for a lot of things, but on 9/11, I haven't quite nailed him yet.

"I blame them for the policy," Paul said, referring to a dozen neocons, including Paul Wolfowitz and Richard Perle.

Man, he's just determined to make my job as hard as possible...